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In the lingo of my book, In It Together, your so-called 'past self' and so-called 'future self' are 'others' just as much as any person is an 'other'.

Thus, how well--or poorly--one gets along with so-called 'others' is as much, if not more-so, a reference to how well one gets along with their past and future selves, or, in other words, whether or not they are in a healthy loving cooperative relationship with their selves over time. That is, versus a toxic abusive one. Many humans have a very abusive, unproductive, destructive, and dysfunctional relationship with the human they see in the mirror.

Those who fail to lovingly cooperate in a healthy, assertive, and mutually beneficial way with their others in space also tend to fail to do it with their others in time, meaning the younger and older versions of the human they see in the mirror.

Whether it is with your so-called others in space or your so-called others in time, I have talked often about (1) the value of assertive communication as well as (2) the way engaging in aggressiveness or other unassertive expectation steals your inner peace.

Aggressiveness and unassertive expectation are, together, the antitheses of self-responsibility.

Self-responsibility, self-discipline (a.k.a. free-spiritedness), and the principle of live and let live are the cornerstones of true happiness (a.k.a. inner peace). In contrast, aggressiveness and other unassertiveness, especially when combined with expectation, are the cornerstones of misery. They make up the bars on the cell that is one's lack of one's spiritual freedom (a.k.a. self-discipline).




Assertive: "Will you please get me a glass of water?"

Assertive: "Please get me a glass of a water."

Assertive: "May I have a glass of water?"

Unassertive: Saying only "I'm thirsty", when what you really mean is, "I would like a glass of water, please."

Unassertive: Saying one thing when you really mean something else.

Unassertive: Expecting others to read between the lines.

Assertive: Explicitly saying what you really mean.

Unassertive: Lying or being dishonest.

Unassertive: Expecting others to read your mind.

Assertive: Being honest, and having no unmet expectations.

Unassertive: "I didn't assertively ask for it, but you should have realized I'm thirsty without me saying so, and offered me water!"

Unassertive: Saying nothing at all, and resenting the other person for not getting you water.

Unassertive: Saying nothing at all, but judgmentally thinking to yourself, "they should be offering me water!"

Unassertive: Saying nothing at all, but angrily thinking to yourself, "they ought to offer me water without me asking!"

Unassertive: Asking for a glass of water, not because you are thirsty and want one, but because you want attention and it makes you feel important (i.e. strokes your weak sensitive ego) to get others do what you say.

Unassertive: Having some kind of other insincere word soup pour out of your mouth either as some kind of nervous tic, or because you like attention, or because it otherwise strokes your sensitive ego.

Assertive: Saying nothing at all, not wanting water, not drinking water, not being offered water, and being totally happy.

Assertive: "No, I don't want water right now, but thank you for asking."

Unassertive: "Get me a f*cking glass of water, you dumbass piece of garbage!" (This is doubly unassertive if you don't even want water but are just making demands to show your power and/or confirm the other person will submit to your will.)

Unassertive: Saying, "you should do X."

Unassertive: Saying, "you ought to do X."

Assertive: Saying, "Will you please do X for me?"

Unassertive: "When I said, 'XYZ', you should have known I actually meant, 'ABC', even though I never said 'ABC'."

Assertive: "I'm crying because I am sad. Will you please get me a tissue?"

Unassertive: "I'm crying because I am sad... Hello?! Why aren't you getting me a tissue?! If I am crying obviously I need a tissue; so when you saw me crying, you should have got a tissue for me without being asked.

Assertive: "I'm hungry. Will you please give me some of your food?"

Unassertive: "I'm hungry...... Why didn't you give me some of your food?! I said I was hungry! You should give a person food when they are hungry! Shame on you! You're inconsiderate. You're selfish. You should do better. You make me so mad and sad and unhappy. It's all your fault! I hate you!


Many times the unassertive person is going to still be unassertive even once they are triggered and very angry. In other words, they will still tend to be dishonest and unassertive by not explicitly stating their true actual desires and feelings. For instance, in the last example, the person most likely didn't and doesn't really want to be given food either; but rather what they wanted and want is a scapegoat. In other words, such unassertive people often set the other person up for failure precisely because that's what they really want: someone else to blame and use as a scapegoat for their misery and lack of free-spirited loving inner peace.

In any case, remember, aggressiveness is both a form of and a symptom of unassertiveness.

Assertiveness isn't always aggressive, but aggressiveness is always unassertive.

Aggression is to assertiveness what arrogance is to confidence. An arrogant person is the opposite of confident. The arrogant person's arrogance is an overcompensation for and a symptom of their extreme insecurity (i.e. their extreme lack of confidence). Likewise, aggressiveness is a symptom of--and compensation for--toxic unassertiveness.



My Questions for You

Which best describes your own communication style:

1. Assertive (i.e. NOT aggressive)

2. Aggressive (i.e. aggressively unassertive)

3. Unaggressive & Unassertive

?

#3 tends to be the most dangerous because it tends to be like a simmering volcano that ultimately erupts in an even more extreme destructive case of #2.




If you could, right now, suddenly and easily change your communication style, which communication style would you choose:

1. Assertive (i.e. NOT aggressive)

2. Aggressive (i.e. aggressively unassertive)

3. Unaggressive & Unassertive

?



If your answer to the first question is not the same as your answer to the second question, then what is stopping you from making the change? In other words, if your answer to the second question is different than your answer to the first, then why don't you change your communication style to make it match?


With love,
Eckhart Aurelius Hughes
a.k.a. Scott





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In addition to having authored his book, In It Together, Eckhart Aurelius Hughes (a.k.a. Scott) runs a mentoring program, with a free option, that guarantees success. Success is guaranteed for anyone who follows the program, both for the free option and the paid option. If you follow the program but don't achieve your goal, you'll get your money back plus $100. For the free option, that means you will still get paid $100 if you don't achieve your goal using his free advice and free system.
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I tend to be assertive because I say what I mean. By not being direct then I am setting myself up for failure because people can't read your mind. Passive aggressive people build resentment and people who are talked to in an aggressive manner will not respond positively.

'Assertive' best describes my communication style. Being non-aggressive helps me achieve my goal. I want to be similar in speech, mind, and action. It helps me achieve the main goal of my life, i.e., spiritual.

I am more of the unassertive type. I was taught that assertiveness is hatefulness.

This is a very insightful post. To answer your questions, I have always been taught to be assertive without being aggressive, and I believe it is the most effective communication style. After all, it is best to state what you actually mean politely instead of being rude or expecting someone to read your mind.

I am predominantly assertive but can be drawn into the other two sides sometimes.

Strong people need to be assertive with their decisions. Assertive' best describes my communication style. Being non-aggressive helps me achieve my goal. I want to be similar in speech, mind, and action. It helps me achieve the main goal of my life, i.e., spiritual.

"No means no, yes means yes, and everything else generally means nothing." - I was drawn to this post by this clear and true statement. There's black, white and grey. Grey means anything or nothing goes.

When I was younger I would say I was the passive person, your number 3 unassertive and unaggressive. However, I wouldn't say that in all cases this leads to the less appealing aggressive unassertive. I would now class myself in the assertive category. The change has come about through education and my work environment. A knowledge that it is better to be clear and concise, whilst also being polite. However, that doesn't mean that I don't drop into that passive person on occasion, driven by fear or tiredness. Are we ever truly just one of these categories or are we always a mix?

Aggression involves force or hostility, often disregarding others' feelings. True assertiveness respects boundaries, clearly expressing thoughts while considering others' perspectives. Clear communication is key: respect 'no' and acknowledge 'yes' for effective interaction.

Celestine Adhiambo wrote: ↑January 16th, 2024, 9:02 am Aggression involves force or hostility, often disregarding others' feelings. True assertiveness respects boundaries, clearly expressing thoughts while considering others' perspectives. Clear communication is key: respect 'no' and acknowledge 'yes' for effective interaction.

It's very true what you said that aggression involves force or hostility which always involves disregarding others emotions.

Yeah, the issue with assertiveness is it can be context-dependent. Where I come from, speaking openly is often considered insulting -- you're expected to beat around the bush (and trust the other person to be smart enough to get it) or relay the message to another people who will then communicate to the intended recipient (to avoid being confrontational). If you walk around with your back straight and your chin not tucked in and looking at people in the eye, your demeanor will be interpreted as an attempt to establish dominance.

As an assertive person, I find that sometimes people feel uncomfortable with my succinct statements or responses to their questions. I do couch my requests in polite terms, yet I have been accused of being aggressive.

Thank you for putting my personal cell phone down. If you need to make a quick call, just use the land line here on my desk. I told this to a co-worker who picked up my cellular phone and started to look at photos (before we had smart phones).

I’ll pass, but thanks for the invitation. This was my response to a client who asked me out to lunch.

You go ahead without me. I will drive my car so that I can leave when I am ready. It’s what I told some friends who wanted me to ride to a party with them.

In the above examples, the individuals involved acted as if they felt insulted. I am a 5’4” bottle of Valium—Mrs. Cool. The outbursts of others are not going to rattle me. My father and mother were the role models for this brand of response.

Also, assertiveness training has helped me learn how to identify the reasons why people behave certain ways in certain situations to gain control or get desired responses. Learning effective responses may not always shut down a burgeoning meltdown on the other person’s part, but it makes a world of difference in maintaining my personal sense of peace.

I would say I am an assertive person but there are situations where I turn passive and sometimes aggressive. I will not say I'm indecisive, I will best describe it as giving the situation whatever response it requires. For being aggressive, there are times when I've physically noticed someone trying to intentionally intimidate me, I did not think the correct response to that scenario was to be assertive, I had to stand chest out, arms crossed and invade their personal space as they were already in mine.

Consistency in speech means aligning your words with your beliefs, fostering transparency and trust. Similarly, maintaining alignment in thought and action ensures your decisions reflect your principles, promoting authenticity and integrity in your interactions. This holistic approach to communication and decision-making enhances your effectiveness and fosters positive relationships.