Philosophy Discussion Forums | A Humans-Only Club for Open-Minded Discussion & Debate

[Gladis Ratish Kumar]

Setting boundaries is a crucial aspect of maintaining a healthy relationship. Your article truly opened my eyes. I often find myself making sacrifices in various aspects of my relationships. However, there are times when I feel unappreciated. Now, I realize the importance of establishing boundaries to prevent such feelings of inferiority and to foster healthier relationships.

[Stephen Christopher 1]

Wow, there's a lot to unpack in this post, but a few things resonated with me that I wanted to comment on:

Ultimatums can be an example of honest assertive communication. Sometimes the most honest assertive and kind thing to do, for example, is admit upfront to the employee explicitly that if they do that certain thing they will be fired. It's more honest and kind than springing the firing onto them with no advance warning.

However, ultimatums aren't always an example of honest assertive communication. Sometimes they are the exact opposite.

For years I've always considered ultimatums as a negative, and if I'm given one, I walk away. But this is a concept I hadn't considered before. I wonder if having a view that the ultimatum benefits both parties, then it's a positive. if the ultimatum only serves to benefit the person giving the ultimatum, then it's toxic. Is that fair?

If someone says, "I'm fine," you honestly and simply think, "Great, they're fine."

That is part of the hand-in-hand nature of free-spirited inner peace and practicing honest assertive communication both in how you speak/write and how you listen/read.

Even if they secretly are a toxically unassertive liar, you've just used the power of assertive communication to not jump in their sinking boat, to not handcuff yourself to someone who's deadset on drowning. Their self-created hell is a circus of their own control and creation; you can't save them from it, but you can choose to not play with their dishonest demon monkeys.

So if the person says to me, 'I'm fine,' but it's said through gritted teeth and with a combatative tone, I ignore that and take the comment on its face value? By their tone and delivery, they're displaying their own toxicity, right? So, if I was to go ahead and read into that delivery, I'm enabling their toxicity?

[Alida Spies]

I'm not sure that ultimatums have much value. Take the example of a wife with an alcoholic husband. She may set an ultimatum that he must stop drinking or she will leave him and take the kids with her. She can't change him; he has to change himself. He may revert to drinking on the sly, or he may become aggressive (or more aggressive if it was part of his alcohol abuse repertoire already) or he may decide there is nothing to live for as he can't stop drinking and he can't live without his wife. He commits suicide (or kills his entire family and then commits suicide). Of course, he may actually stop drinking, but how likely is he to stick to it if he didn't honestly believe the change was necessary? An ultimatum is usually a last resort and if loving, honest conversations don't help, an ultimatum is unlikely to succeed.

I'm a big believer in honesty and I would never advocate that lying is acceptable. However, it's not always that straightforward. Keeping quiet instead of telling the truth is a form of lying. So if you know your friend's wife is cheating on him (i.e. she told you or you have other factual evidence), do you tell him? If you see your colleague spending hours every day playing games during working hours, do you tell your manager? If your mother contracts cancer and tells you, but requests that you don't tell your brother or your father, what do you do?

Despite my comments above, the advice is valuable and something I will refer to again, thank you for publishing it!

[Nisha DSouza]

Be assertive and honest in all your communication. Great advice! It has helped me a lot.

[Cristina-Ioana Toader]

Your emphasis on being generous and clear when setting limits really resonated with me. I love how you highlight the importance of assertiveness without aggression—it’s such a powerful reminder for creating healthier, more respectful relationships. Thank you for sharing this perspective!

[Gabrielle Stepp]

Boundaries are important in every relationship. Ultimatums can be an honest affect ways to manage relationships. However, they can also be used to manipulate. I personally have struggled in the past with being a “yes-person”. I was of course taught to be this way. I have learned from experience that it is toxic and serves no one. It’s best to have and recognize boundaries, express your true self as being honest and firm with your own boundaries.

[Lauren Victoria]

"When someone communicates their boundaries to you, it is typically an effort to keep you in their life rather than push you away." -- This is so powerful.

It's been some years now since I've strengthened and been very clear and upfront with my boundaries to the people in my life and the people trying to enter it. I do not budge of those things, not a foot, not an inch, not a smidge. Often, I have people tell me -- "This is why you don't have a lot of friends or people don't want to get to know you." I am okay with this, if someone cannot respect what I've clearly put out there then they aren't people that I want in my life and around me. I'm putting them out there so someone doesn't cross one unknowingly, not because I want to push someone away.

Making and reenforcing boundaries is not always easy but it is the best thing you can do for yourself.

You wrote some really sound words, Scott!

[Mr Benji]

WHITE LIES

This is a profound statement. A statement that helps to build healthy relationships. A healthy relationship must start with oneself, before extending unto others. One way to do that is by leting go of white lies. This practice can help to love oneself and others.

[Fanisa Ndhabambi]

It is important to set healthy boundaries in all relationships because once you've done so, it reminds you of two-way communication. the receiver knows exactly what is expected of them, strengthening future relationships.

[Amos Osinya]

Indeed, Ultimatums are honest, assertive communication as far as they are not meant to coerce or manipulate. I would like such boundaries made clear if they aim to minimize conflict. I agree that Ultimatums meant to manipulate and bully are negative and should be resisted.

I thus support setting boundaries and setting them from the word go but for achieving support but not bullying.

[Dea Ann Bridegroom]

My thoughts on boundaries is if you set the fence on the line, it then belongs to the neighbor equally, even knowing you constructed it and the cost was out of your pocket. Set outside the line and it belongs to the neighbor. Set inside the line and it belongs to you only.

[Ajiferuke Ajibola]

Hi Scott,

Thank you for sharing this advice. I gained a lot from it. I must say one of the things I am doing now is self-honesty and I am benefiting from it.

These stood out from your advice.

Kindly check them out.

"When someone communicates their boundaries to you, it is typically an effort to keep you in their life rather than push you away."

"In contrast, assertiveness is simple and kind and honest. Your words simply mean what they mean. I say what I mean and I mean what I say and it's as pleasantly simple as that."

"If you look to your left and see Icarus, with his wings smoking, remember that you might be looking into the mirror."

"A big empire you cannot defend is effectively smaller and worth less than a small country you can defend."

"The people who fail to keep their promises tend to be the people who make the most promises."

Thank you.

[Sanju Lali]

I am very glad on the advice of setting boundaries because boundaries solve many issues in our lives.

[Surabhi Rani]

If we find many ungrateful people in our lives, it means there's an ungrateful person in the mirror. If we value and use honest assertive communication in the way we speak, we will be treating other people's words as if they were honest assertive. When we are assertive, our words simply mean what they mean. Useful and food for thought! Need such an emotional diet regularly!