Tommo wrote: ↑October 7th, 2022, 10:25 pm
Right now I’m as close to death as I’ve ever been and getting closer.
So close some days I swear I can smell it. It smells like my dead grandmothers kitchen.
There are nights when I wake in a hot flush thinking I’ve punctured the water bed - and I don’t have one.
My mind is filled with shrapnels of memory for the past 73 years. I try my best but I cannot remember anything from the first 3 years.
I’m grateful for that. The last thing I want to recall is my own birth, **** my pants, bawling my eyes out and having nothing to recall.
How sweet it is to remember. Good and bad, informed and I’ll informed, love and hate, growth and deterioration (which is the final stage I’m in right now).
What am I other than a bag and bones container for what I’m have done?
Of late the episodes that wake me focus on the embarrassing moments. What was I thinking when I did that? There’s even a fleeting thought that I might like to undo most of them. Then I am what I am because of those things as well as the rest.
There is one disadvantage to this ageing recall: thinking my body can still do that which I did when I was young.
Oh, how it hurts to be elderly and think young. Literally. Still, I always have something to look forward to each day: a new bruise, some gravel rash, a creak or crack in a rib or radius, a chance to chat the the radiologist at ER who is very attractive and informs me of the inspiration she received having me as her teacher. Now that’s a memory I’m happy to recall any time.
So, now I can recline in my therapeutic chair and daydream of all the times I was learning to be me. I’m content with the outcome and am ready to finish with a smile on my face.
I'm glad you have returned to these forums Tommo. It has given me great pleasure to read all your evocative and funny posts.
I like the philosophy that comes through this particular post, that it is sweet to remember 'all the times I was learning to be me'. We try to make the most of what we have, and one good thing about getting older is we have more material to work with. It may seem a curse at times, 'to be elderly and think young', but perhaps the purpose of a body which ages and deteriorates is precisely to shift the focus to our mind. Anyway I am glad to read that you are content with the outcome.
Hope I get to smell Grandma's kitchen too. Not that she was a great cook - in fact Mum reckons she was one of the worst, ever - but I remember her giant teapot, and how much I loved a cuppa with her. Wouldn't it be great to see our Grandmas again? We can only hope.